Fay: Youve been a widower for three days. Have you considered remarryi — Joe Orton

"Hal: God is a gentleman. He prefers blondes."

"McLeavy: Where did I go wrong? His upbringing was faultless. Did you lead him astray? Dennis: I was innocent till I met him. Hal: You met me when you were three days old."

"Fay: Have you given a thought to the priest? Truscott: We cant have him in on it, miss. Our percentage wouldnt be worth having. Fay: Mr McLeavy threatened to expose us. Truscott: Ive been exposed before. Fay: What happened? Truscott: I arrested the man. Hes doing twelve years."

"Prentice: This appalling situation is the result of my lax moral code. Its clean living and Teach Yourself Woodwork for me from now on!"

"McLeavy: Im innocent. (A little unsure of himself, the beginnings of panic) Doesnt that mean anything to you?"

"I was approached to do a film script for the Beatles. I said it would have to be an absolutely original script. Paul McCartney said do whatever you like. I said that means youll never be able to do it."