If youve dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job…she ai — Christopher Titus

"[about his mother] Without her I dont exist. Without her, I wouldnt be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives."

"How come Mom is crazy and Im not? Well, its possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it wouldve meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. Its also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon."

"And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? Youve got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. Whats say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it."

"So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder weve invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means were the majority. Were normal! Its the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence — those people are the freaks, man!"

"[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house] When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. I went to the window and tore open the blinds, And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind! And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear, Shes bangin on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled just bout to here. And I knew the window couldnt take it. She screamed, "Open the door, you bastard, or Ill fucking break it!" Well, I couldnt let her do that; twas my fathers place. So I cracked the door, and she punched me in the face! So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top, And I screamed like a little girl…"IM CALLING THE COPS!"

"CLINT EASTWOOD DOESNT MOISTURIZE!...but CLINT EASTWOOD NEEDS TO MOISTURIZE!"