Im not retreating, Pats tugging me off. — Alan Partridge

"You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on "Grandstand" in 1936 on this pleasant summer morning in Nazi Germany. Everyones here. Hitlers in his box, Jesse Owens just waved to him. He doesnt like that."

"Right, Ill tell you an anecdote. In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, "You jammy bastard" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Dont be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh, now fuck off!"

"Could someone clear that shit away, please? Its just, its in my picture. People may associate it with me."

"(commenting on random clips of football/soccer matches in a build up to the upcoming 1994 FIFA World Cup): Shit! Did you see that!? He must have a foot like a traction engine. Striker! And that, was a gooooooal! The proof is in the pudding and in this case the pudding, is a football..."

"Well at this stage of the show, some of my viewers maybe thinking "Alan, Youre a liar! You promised that this show would be hot and now youre chatting to three senior citizens." But if I said I am now going to jump into a TARDIS, go back in time and recreate the Berlin Olympics with these three old women, youd say "Alan, that is hot, we were wrong earlier."

"Two fat ladies, 88! Not that youd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... theyre altogether a higher class of fat lady."