"It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus."
Chelsea Joy Handler is an American stand-up comedian, actress, writer, television host, and producer. She hosted the late-night talk show Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014 and released a documentary series, Chelsea Does, on Netflix in January 2016. From 2016 to 2017, Handler hosted the talk show Chelsea on Netflix.
"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."
Chelsea Handler"The part that wasnt a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldnt believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didnt understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. Im not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly dont expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. Thats even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock."
Chelsea Handler"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
Chelsea Handler"I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didnt say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, Id have no friends."
Chelsea Handler"Are you there vodka? Its me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but Ill call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."
Chelsea Handler"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
Chelsea Handler