Chelsea Handler

"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."

"The part that wasnt a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldnt believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didnt understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. Im not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly dont expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. Thats even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock."

"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."

"I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didnt say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, Id have no friends."

"Are you there vodka? Its me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but Ill call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."

"Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. Its just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if youre a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl youre with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis."

"He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the OReilly Factor defending Presidents Bush right to vacation six days out of the week."

"It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus."