Jason Segel — Matt, Watermelon Guy — Can't Hardly Wait

"Mike Dexter is an asshole. For the past decade, he has made a hobby of my pain. Witness exhibit A: my eighth grade science project - a working rain forest that Mike threw out a third floor window. It rains here no more. Witness exhibit B: an eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film festival; I saw no third dimension. And of course, how can I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night."

"Jennifer Love Hewitt — Amanda Beckett"

"Charlie Korsmo — William Lichter"

"Yesterdays history. Tomorrows the future. Tonights the party!"

"Angel Stripper: Fate. There is fate. But it only takes you so far, because once youre there, its up to you to make it happen."

"[narrating] It was October, freshman year. First time in history that Id ever missed the bus. If I had arrived on time, I never wouldve seen her. But as it was, I was the first person at Huntington Hills High to set eyes on Amanda Beckett. It was her first day at school. Then, Im sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the entire school, she walks into mine. And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Now, up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart - the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?"