Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, its an easy diagram t — Sam Kinison

"Im goin, what the fuck am I bustin my ass for, doin HBO specials, doin fuckin concerts, when I could just write rap songs? How hard is this shit to do?! Heres my first rap single: "Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee". There it is! My first rap hit! Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee!" I got a hit! Thats where its at! I got another song, for men, especially for men, in general: You Call That A Fuck, You Lazy Bitch? Oh! OH! This song is gonna go through the fuckin roof, trust me! Were talkin about a song thats gonna go through the roof! Theyll call me Grammy Sammy after that fuckin song. Wait! I got another one! I got another one! Who Farted in My New Car? You cant stop me! Fuck MC Hammer, You Cant Touch This- YOU CANT STOP ME! Im a rap song writing machine now, look out!"

"You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Dont send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, weve been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldnt BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHINGS GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what its gonna be 100 years from now? ITS GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just dont LIVE in them, assholes!"

"We dont WANT to drink and drive ... But theres no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!"

"Today were going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!"

"I was in Rochester, New York. I was an absolutely-nobody part-timer, jack-of-trades; would do whatever the radio station asked of me. And one day, Sam Kinison walked in. The mic went on, and he just spoke his mind. And he was outrageous, he was funny, he was sensitive at times. And a light bulb went off in my head, where I realized, "Oh my god, I can do this different." Just—you gotta just be yourself. … I started blowing off everything I knew about radio after that day."

"Sam: We want to bring him out. Here he is, Mr. Doug Bady, ladies and gentlemen. Doug Bady, the littlest fucking Outlaw, here he is! Oh, hes drinking a beer. Thats alright. Im just not used to seeing one of Jerrys Kids with a fucking beer, but... Doug Bady, a man that loves Jerry Lewis, appreciates what Jerry has done. And Doug, Jerry Lewis, isnt he wonderful? Doug: Fuck him! Sam: Jesus Christ, man, what are you saying? Doug: Hes a piece of shit, hes never done anything for me. Sam: You cant...you cant say this about Jerry Lewis in Las Vegas on the telethon weekend! Doug: Why not? Hes never done anything for me, thirty years hes been running the telethon! Sam: What are you saying? Doug: That son of a bitch! He hasnt done a goddamn thing for me! Sam: Jerry Lewis has never done a thing for you? Doug: No! Hes been doing this goddamn telethon for thirty years now, hes made, what, two or three billion dollars... Sam: Who gave him the beer? WHO GAVE HIM THE BEER?! Doug: ...I havent seen dime one! Sam: Get him out of here, hes fucking drunk! Get him out of here! He hates Jerry Lewis, never did a fucking thing...you little bitter BASTARD! YOURE BITTER! Take his ass off my stage! Fuckin BEAT HIM, BEAT HIM!!! TAKE HIS CHAIR! BEAT HIS LITTLE BITTER FUCKING ASS! Doug: Actually, what I meant to say was...I love Jerry. Great guy."