Michael Smiley - Loner Swimmer — The Lobster

"He didnt burst into tears and he didnt think that the first thing most people do when they realise someone doesnt love them anymore is cry."

"Roger Ashton-Griffiths - Doctor"

"Now the fact that you will turn into an animal if you fail to fall in love with someone during your stay here is not something that should upset you or get you down. Just think, as an animal youll have a second chance to find a companion. But, even then, you must be careful; you need to choose a companion that is a similar type of animal to you. A wolf and a penguin could never live together, nor could a camel and a hippopotamus. That would be absurd."

"Nosebleed Woman: Im sorry, Ive got blood on your shirt. But dont worry, there are many ways to remove bloodstains from clothing. One way is to rinse the clothes with cold water then rub with sea salt. Another way is to scrub the stains with cotton wool dipped in ammonia. The third way is to mix flour and water into a paste, like toothpaste, especially if the clothes are delicate or brightly coloured. But just never use warm water on blood, ever."

"Trainer Waiter - Shooting Range: Its no coincidence that the targets are shaped like single people and not couples."

"Some punishments are worse than other punishments. Having your thumb cut is worse than having your head shaved. And having a hot boiled egg under your armpit is worse than having your leg kicked. The punishment I am afraid of isnt the Red Kiss but another one, that is called the Red Intercourse."