[narrating] Ive been to prison once. Ive been married twice. I was onc — Bad Santa

"I said "next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along."

"[while having sex] Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You aint gonna shit right for a WEEK!"

"[to Thurman] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but its a good thing you did, or Santas Little Helper would have plugged his ass. And now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty, which is new in my experience. Theyre making me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this would never again embarrass the department. Meanwhile, I told the cops that you had no one to take the fuck care of you. So they set it up with Mrs. Santas sister until your dad gets out in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro-temp. As for my little helper, Im sorry to tell you that he and his prune faced, mail order wife are going to be exploring mountains with your dad. I just hope your dad doesnt go sucking shit from them like I did."

"You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eatin shit that has every slid from a human beings hairy ass."

"Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?"

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first."

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world."

"we are engaged in a grim experiment never before attempted. We are subjecting whole populations to exposure to chemicals which animal experiments have proved to be extremely poisonous and in many cases cumulative in their effect. These exposures now begin at or before birth and-unless we change our methods-will continue through the lifetime of those now living. No one knows what the result will be, because we have no previous experience to guide us."

"pity this busy monster, manunkind, not. Progress is a comfortable disease: your victim (death and life safely beyond) plays with the bigness of his littleness"

"I believe that the unity of man as opposed to other living things derives from the fact that man is the conscious life of himself. Man is conscious of himself, of his future, which is death, of his smallness, of his impotence; he is aware of others as others; man is in nature, subject to its laws even if he transcends it with his thought."

"“We need brains, is the bottom line,” Ivy said. “We’re not hunter-gatherers anymore. We’re all living like patients in the intensive care unit of a hospital. What keeps us alive isn’t bravery, or athleticism, or any of those other skills that were valuable in a caveman society. It’s our ability to master complex technological skills. It is our ability to be nerds. We need to breed nerds.”"

"I have been clinically depressed for most of my life. I once used drugs to fix it. Then I stopped. I stopped because I decided they were making me stupid, and Id rather be miserable than stupid. I am what I am."