When you turned it on, it said its name: "Droid." I keep it here in my — Lewis Black

"This [Wisconsin] is the only state that I can tell this story in because youre the only people who understand it. Uh, one night I was performing in Milwaukee and I finished my set, and it was late in the evening, and I got a, had a scotch, and two of the waitresses sat down and had a brandy Old-Fashioned, and−and youre the only fuckers who drink that. More brandies get drunk in Wisconsin over Christmas than was drunk during the entire Second World War. I actually had a cab driver who was driving me back one night, and he said, "Son of a bitch, I was in New York City, and they didnt know how to make a brandy Old-Fashioned; I had to jump over the bar!" You people are NUTS! So, I was sitting there, and at that point, they ordered a shot of Jager. Cause I guess, you know...[Audience cheers] I love you, youre the only people who applaud Jager. And Im telling you, something is wrong with that. You dont even know whats in it! Okay? Thats wrong! You know how they make Jager? They take all the bar rags in this country, and they wring them into a–thats how they do it. And−and then, even when you lack a response, I can hear half of you going, "So whats wrong with that?"

"Al Roker was the weatherman in New York City, and three years ago we had a blizzard. We were supposed to have, according to Al, 4 to 12 inches of snow. Thats his prediction. We had 36 inches. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was two feet off. THATS NOT EVEN IN THE BALLPARK! If you were a roofer and you built a roof and it was two feet off, youd still be serving time. Al Roker makes 1.5 million dollars a year as a weather person, and he doesn’t know shit about the weather."

"People go to Vegas, and they dont know what to do; heres what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because youre never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and youll feel like a WINNER!"

"I love Wisconsin, I love coming here. Ive performed here a lot because Ive discovered that you people apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking. [audience cheers] Its–youre insane! You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere in the country. Nobody pays any less for liquor than you. Whatre you–whatre you–HOW?! I dont know if youre using that farm subsidy money, or if youre just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fucking insane. [audience member shouts something] Is it volume? Its unbe–fucking–lievable, its staggering! I come here because basically if I spend four days here drinking, and even with the plane ticket, its cheaper than drinking in New York. How do you know when its New Years? Thats the big mystery to me. Whats the difference? Ive been in bars here and its like New Years every fucking night! "Uh, New Years, thats when we–we drink with hats on."

"Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day and you go Im not coming into work today! Your boss goes, Why not? You sick? No! Its too gray! Then you wake up and its the grayest day youve ever seen! And the next day its even grayer! And thats usually Valentines Day, and thats the day you look at your wrists and go, Hey, maybe I should slit em to see color!"

"I called the police. I said, "Theyve stolen my rental car, a Plymouth Horizon." The policeman said, "I guess they took it for a joyride." I said, "You know, I dont think youre listening, asshole. The car is a Plymouth Horizon. It is not a joy to ride!" This is a car that goes forty-five miles an hour with the wind; if you actually turn off the air conditioner you can supercharge the little fucker to forty-eight. I got a nosebleed I was having so much fun in the car. I didnt even want the piece of shit, so I was staggered to find out somebody took it."

"As long as you keep getting born, it’s okay to die sometimes."

"The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that theres free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate."

"History is a strange experience. The world is quite small now; but history is large and deep. Sometimes you can go much farther by sitting in your own home and reading a book of history, than by getting onto a ship or an airplane and traveling a thousand miles. When you go to Mexico City through space, you find it a sort of cross between modern Madrid and modern Chicago, with additions of its own; but if you go to Mexico City through history, back only 500 years, you will find it as distant as though it were on another planet: inhabited by cultivated barbarians, sensitive and cruel, highly organized and still in the Copper Age, a collection of startling, of unbelievable contrasts."

"As soon as a thought or word becomes a tool, one can dispense with actually ‘thinking’ it, that is, with going through the logical acts involved in verbal formulation of it. As has been pointed out, often and correctly, the advantage of mathematics—the model of all neo-positivistic thinking—lies in just this ‘intellectual economy.’ Complicated logical operations are carried out without actual performance of the intellectual acts upon which the mathematical and logical symbols are based. … Reason … becomes a fetish, a magic entity that is accepted rather than intellectually experienced."

"Our feminist culture at the present moment is completely dependent on capitalism. My grandmother was still scrubbing clothes on the back porch on a washboard!"

"A word of the faith that never balks, Here or henceforward it is all the same to me, I accept Time absolutely. It alone is without flaw, it alone rounds and completes all, That mystic baffling wonder alone completes all. (23)"