(Whilst getting a tattoo on his backside) "My arse has gone like a pie — Dirty Sanchez

"How funny is Pancho? Really, really funny."

"(While Dainton is teasing him about a spider) "It could be on your cock, it could be in your hair, it could be in your gob, I dont want to touch it!"

"(About to get his arse waxed) "Right in the Gary Glitter!"

"(After getting a D lock locked around his neck) "Right! Short man syndrome? Fuckin right! Im taking it to a fucking level this time! (Starts thumping the nearest door) AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!"

"(After dislocating his little finger) "This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home... this little piggy went to the pub, where I wish Id gone to instead of the back of this van. This little piggy went to the club, with the lovely young mum...Single Mum...dirty mum... and this little piggy doesnt know what the fuck is going on!"

"(Trying to smash a double glazed window pane with his head) "My head feels like a fucking gypos arse!"