Chuck Lorre

"Working at Warner Bros. is like being raised by a single mom who keeps bringing home strange men!"

"Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear me. Happy birthday to me. (And 20 more would be nice)"

"Congratulations Young Sheldon, for reaching 100 episodes!"

"No need to freeze frame this one!"

"Scrabble fans might be troubled to see 3 Y tiles in tonights episode. Fear not. The "Super Scrabble" version of the game actually comes with 4 Y tiles. Disaster averted."

"Connie Tucker is proud to announce that she is sweet on Dr. John Sturgis and they are officially a romantic couple."

"Getting the jump on David Ellison, Netflix, Apple, and Comcast, Chuck Lorre has offered to pay one million dollars in cash for Warner Bros. Discovery. To sweeten the pot, Mr. Lorre will include two weeks at a time-share condo in CABO (not Christmas), if WBD agrees to keep the Discovery channels."

"To the crew of LAFD Fire Truck 14, You saved my home. You made a snap decision to stop a rampaging fire that had already destroyed my neighbors house. In doing so, you spared me incredible heartache. There are no words that can adequately express my gratitude. Maybe I can buy all you guys a nice dinner and you can watch a grown man cry tears of joy over his chicken parm, let me know."

"I believe Im growing skeptical of cynicism."

"Well, once again Id like to thank you for not only watching, but videotaping "Dharma & Greg." I know youre busy, so this shows a wonderful commitment on your part and I want you to acknowledge that commitment with a big ol Chuck Lorre vanity card hug. Okay, with that done lets get on with why youre here, to learn more of my personal beliefs. I believe that this episode, which on the surface deals with a funny Valentines adventure, in fact grapples with the weighty issue of Weltschmerz. Weltschmerz is a German word which loosely means "world suffering deriving from the inevitability of reality to never match up with our expectations." Boy, only the Germans could come up with a word like that. Anyway, in this episode Greg is in Weltschmerz hell as he discovers that life is never quite like the brochure. Dharma, on the other hand, recognizes that life is a flowing river and happiness exists only when one embraces its ever-changing nature. From this dilemma we draw the comedic essence of our story. Finally, I believe that when I retire and teach sitcom writing at a community college, Ill use this theme for one of my classes to impress the kids."

"Thank you for videotaping "Dharma & Greg" and freeze-framing on my vanity card. Id like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my personal beliefs. I believe that everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can direct. I believe that the Laws of Karma do not apply to show business, where good things happen to bad people on a fairly regular basis. I believe that what doesnt kill us makes us bitter. I believe that the obsessive worship of movie, TV and sports figures is less likely to produce spiritual gain than praying to Thor. I believe that Larry was a vastly underrated Stooge, without whom Moe and Curly could not conform to the comedy law of three (thanks, Lee). I believe my kids are secretly proud of me. I believe that if you cant find anything nice to say about people whom youve helped to make wildly successful and then they stabbed you in the back, then dont say anything at all. I believe I have a great dog, maybe the greatest dog in the whole wide world, yes, he is! I believe that beer is a gateway drug that leads, inevitably, to vodka and somebody oughta do something about it. I believe that when ABC reads this, Im gonna be in biiiig trouble. I believe that Tina Turners "River Deep, Mountain High", is the greatest rock song ever recorded. Once again, thanks for watching "Dharma & Greg". Please be sure to tune in again to this vanity card for more of my personal beliefs."

"Once again, thank you for video-taping "Dharma & Greg" and freeze-framing on my vanity card. Id like to take this opportunity to share with you some more of my beliefs. I believe that the guy who invented those speed bumps in the freeway that snap you back into consciousness when youre drifting into a nearby semi should be given a big hug. I believe that there are actually several cures for the summertime blues. I believe that in my earlier statement of beliefs, I erroneously believed that beer was a gateway drug that led to vodka. After intensive consultation with ABC executives, I now believe I was very, very wrong. Beer is good. Especially beer brewed by major manufacturers, and enjoyed in a responsible fashion. I believe Ive spent my life expecting people to behave in a certain way. I believe that when they didnt behave according to my expectations, I became angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful. I believe these expectations are the reason Ive been angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful more than I care to admit. As a result, I now believe my expectations are the real problem. I believe that everyone has this very same problem, and they ought to start acting accordingly. Well, thats all for now. I hope you continue to watch "Dharma & Greg" and check in on my vanity card for more of my personal beliefs."