Daniel Tosh

"Im actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house..."

"Sometimes, when Im feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least Im not pregnant."

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, Im gonna be pissed."

"Im all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I dont want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now Im happy, or at least I look like it."

"Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. Its not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. Its how I know I still have one."

"You ever hear girls say that? "Im not religious, but Im spiritual." I like to reply with, "Im not honest, but youre interesting!"

"I dont think I could stab somebody, cause Im really bad at a Capri Sun."

"You are a sick freak who should be beaten."

"I can say that. I have a television show."

"Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If youre forced to have it as a child, you wont enjoy it as an adult."

"Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I dont have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guys like a fucking Snapple!"

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Id be like, "Hey, so I guess Ill see you later," and hes like, "Whatever, queer."