Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. Its — Daniel Tosh

"Im actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house..."

"Sometimes, when Im feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least Im not pregnant."

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, Im gonna be pissed."

"Im all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I dont want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now Im happy, or at least I look like it."

"You ever hear girls say that? "Im not religious, but Im spiritual." I like to reply with, "Im not honest, but youre interesting!"

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Id be like, "Hey, so I guess Ill see you later," and hes like, "Whatever, queer."

"As long as you keep getting born, it’s okay to die sometimes."

"The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that theres free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate."

"History is a strange experience. The world is quite small now; but history is large and deep. Sometimes you can go much farther by sitting in your own home and reading a book of history, than by getting onto a ship or an airplane and traveling a thousand miles. When you go to Mexico City through space, you find it a sort of cross between modern Madrid and modern Chicago, with additions of its own; but if you go to Mexico City through history, back only 500 years, you will find it as distant as though it were on another planet: inhabited by cultivated barbarians, sensitive and cruel, highly organized and still in the Copper Age, a collection of startling, of unbelievable contrasts."

"As soon as a thought or word becomes a tool, one can dispense with actually ‘thinking’ it, that is, with going through the logical acts involved in verbal formulation of it. As has been pointed out, often and correctly, the advantage of mathematics—the model of all neo-positivistic thinking—lies in just this ‘intellectual economy.’ Complicated logical operations are carried out without actual performance of the intellectual acts upon which the mathematical and logical symbols are based. … Reason … becomes a fetish, a magic entity that is accepted rather than intellectually experienced."

"Our feminist culture at the present moment is completely dependent on capitalism. My grandmother was still scrubbing clothes on the back porch on a washboard!"

"A word of the faith that never balks, Here or henceforward it is all the same to me, I accept Time absolutely. It alone is without flaw, it alone rounds and completes all, That mystic baffling wonder alone completes all. (23)"