Doug Stanhope

"I couldnt be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job."

"Ive been playing the CNN Drinking Game. Have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, Im a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!"

"You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it."

"Life is like animal porn. Its not for everyone."

"I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, dont you? Its sad. Ive lost more friends to A.A. than Liberace did to the virus. Its sad to see em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddys key ring, its like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse."

"If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?"

"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that its all those dogshit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war thats ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north"? No, its because you got a silly, placebo religion, cause you dont want to admit that you dont fucking know."

"Dont learn from other peoples mistakes. Thats the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestlings the number one show on cable television. Youre gonna learn from their mistakes? Theyre fuckin tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!"

"If youre gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body. If it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" [miming a pump-action shotgun] stop me!"

"America may be the best country, but thats like being the prettiest Dennys waitress. Just because youre the best doesnt mean youre good."

"All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Lifes temporary for a reason. It gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs...and more holes, thats what you ladies need!"

"Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked."