Emo Philips

"I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I dont mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "Whats so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. Its a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind..."

"I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

"You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I dont have an alibi!"

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes.""

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed theyre just as scared of me."

"Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy."

"When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."

"Probably the toughest time in anyones life is when you have to murder a loved one because theyre the Devil. Other than that, though, its been a good day."

"Ambiguity — the Devils volleyball."

"Im not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint."

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."