Jeremy Hardy

"I dont get this fashion for happy funerals. He said he wanted all his mates to be in a good mood and smile, and this is a very fashionable idea, that when you die, its supposed to be a celebration and joyous and everyone laughing, but I want peoples lives torn apart when I go. I want to be embalmed and brought out when we have guests."

"It was developing countries where people are more cheery, wasnt it? ... Well, because when people are materially disadvantaged, maybe theyre more optimistic, because they know that their destinys not entirely in their own hands. And so they just have to hope for the best. Whereas in the developed world, where materially weve got plenty of stuff, and lots of opportunities, we know that the only thing stopping us from being happy is ourselves, which of course is a kind of downward spiral into disillusionment and hopelessness, isnt it, really? Because you cant -- youre never gonna get rid of yourself, so if youre basically unhappy, youre always gonna be unhappy, and in the remaining time that youve got left, youre either gonna be in despair about the fact that youve wasted your life, or maybe a bit cheerful about the fact that its nearly over."

"… really very critical of hereditary peers, but they — I mean — theyve got their faults, but some of those faults have been in the family for generations."

"It seems a shallow observation, but… the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, youd blame pollution, wouldnt you?"

"You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mothers father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War."

"Most harm is done by people who are awake."