Lee Evans (comedian)

"Why are all the dogs at dog shows really nice dogs? You never see a pit bull with a ribbon round his head, going "If you say one fucking word..."

"In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when its three in the morning you turn into his wife: "Thats the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"

"Theyre making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, Im loving this shit theyre coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV..."

"Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "Im not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? Id be fucking delirious with it! I wouldnt just hug somebody for scoring a goal, Id shag em."

"My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wifell look at me and go "Whos that calling at this time?" I dont fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldnt need the bloody phone!"

"I said to my wife "If I ever get like that, ya know, mumbling to myself and shitting my pants, shoot me." She said "Fucking run, monkey boy!"