Noël Coward

"The stately homes of England we proudly represent, We only keep them up for Americans to rent. Tho the pipes that supply the bathroom burst And the lavatry makes you fear the worst It was used by Charles the First (quite informally), And later by George the Fourth on a journey north, The state apartments keep their historical reknown, Its wiser not to sleep there in case they tumble down; But still if they ever catch on fire Which with any luck they might, Well fight for the stately homes of England."

"It seems such a shame When the English claim The Earth, That they give rise To such hilarity And mirth."

"Lord knows Im not a fool girl I really shouldnt care Lord knows Im not a school girl In the flurry of her first affair."

"Gary: Beryl Willard is extremely competent. Beryl Willard has been extremely competent, man and boy, for forty years. In addition to her extreme competence, she has contrived, with uncanny skill, to sustain a spotless reputation for being the most paralysing, epoch-making, monumental, world-shattering, God-awful bore that ever drew breath...I will explain one thing further - it is this. No prayer, no bribe, no threat, no power, human or divine, would induce me to go to Africa with Beryl Willard. I wouldnt go as far as Wimbledon with Beryl Willard. Liz: What hes trying to say is that he doesnt care for Beryl Willard."

"[On the phone] My dear Jims dead...No dear, he jumped off Waterloo Bridge - Yes, the one next to Charing Cross - No, no, no thats Blackfriars."

"Dont put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Dont put your daughter on the stage The profession is overcrowded And the struggles pretty tough And admitting the fact shes burning to act That isnt quite enough Shes a big girl and though her teeth are fairly good Shes not the type I ever would be eager to engage I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington Dont put your daughter on the stage."

"Hollywood is a place where some people lie on the beach and look up at the stars, whereas other people lie on the stars and look down at the beach."

"I love criticism as long as it is unqualified praise."

"Television is for appearing on, not looking at."

"He loved me true did Harry-boy and I loved him true, and if the happiness we gave each other was wicked and wrong in the eyes of the Law and the Church and God Almighty, then the Law and the Church and God Almighty can go dig a hole and fall down it."

"Christopher Marlowe or Francis Bacon The author of Lear remains unshaken Willie Herbert or Mary Fitton What does it matter? The Sonnets were written."

"Our families have traditions Weve heard of a thousand times Our ancestors were unequivocally right. They frequently went on missions To rather peculiar climes To lead the wretched heathen to the light. Though some of them got beaten up and some of them stampeded And quite a lot were eaten up - a few of them succeeded. On one of these expeditions An uncle we thought a bore Turned out to be more spirited than ever hed been before.Poor Uncle Harry Wanted to be a missionary So he took a ship and sailed away. This visionary Hotly pursued by dear Aunt Mary Found a South Sea isle on which to stay. The natives greeted them kindly, And invited them to dine On yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine The taste of which was filthy But the after-effects divine."