Pudd'nhead Wilson

"It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained there were too many prehistoric toads in it."

"Tell the truth or trump — but get the trick."

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."

"Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise."

"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved."

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

"All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" — a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live."

"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething."

"Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs one step at a time."

"There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt."