Richard Jeni

"I dont get that -- people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend."

"An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone."

"A bunch of money-grubbin, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade."

"There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two."

"A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about peoples freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off."

"Making this crowd happy is the second easiest job you could ever have. First easiest...whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt." How hard can that be? I dont even have a law degree and I think I could get Michael Jackson, yknow? I would just go, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... there he is! Thats all I have. Yall get a good look at my boy? See if you think hes capable of anything out of the ordinary. There he is." But its a tough thing to prosecute Michael Jackson, yknow? Because everyones entitled to a jury of their peers! You could run the vacuum up and down the gene pool 24/7 without suckin up this much of whatever that has become. He has no peers. Hes peerless. So why am I pickin on poor little mutated Michael Jackson? Because Michael Jackson is a cautionary tale for the rest of us, folks. Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin it until its broke!"

"If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career."

"The title of this movie should be "Heres a Fish. Youre Stupid."

"Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it."

"Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasnt higher education, this was Amway with a football team!"

"This is the guy Ill be thinking about when I put a gun to My head."