The Weather Man

"[Thinking, while looking at a womans butt while waiting to cross the street] Man, Id like to put my face in there. Right in there. Tartar sauce. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. Thats when you know its cold. I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce. A lot of guys dont. Well maybe they do. Maybe thats just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Neil Young. Fuck, its cold. Neil Young. Why am I thinking about Neil Young? Neil Diamond. Neil... Theres not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks. I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I havent had a Spanish omelette in a long time. Here we go."

"Heres the thing: if you want your father to think youre not a silly fuck, dont slap a guy across the face with a glove, because if you do that, thats what he will think. Unless youre a nobleman or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not."

"Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesnt enter into grown-up life."

"I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what Id be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And thats who I am, the weather man."

"Nicholas Hoult - Mike Spritzel"

"Michael Caine - Robert Spritzel"

"Gemmenne de la Peina - Shelly Spritzel"

"This shit life.... you must chuck some things. You must chuck them in this shit life."

"Dave Spritz is about to take his best shot. At life."

"Tom Skilling - WGN Assistant Director"

"The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases were required to use to single the program out. It gets under peoples skin. Spritz Nipper. But the whole thing about all of it, all the getting hit with stuff, the whole thing is, who gets hit with a fucking pie, anyway? Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson? Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it. But this is like the ninth time I got--- [pause] clowns get hit with pies."

"The first time I was struck with something, it was a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it mightve been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. Its easy. It tastes all right, but it doesnt really provide you any nourishment. [pause] Im fast food."