Tommy Boy

"[During first day in his Fathers brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... Im retarded."

"Chris Farley - Thomas R. "Tommy" Callahan III"

"Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him Im going to graduate! I wish wed known each other. This is a little awkward."

"Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, whats his name? Buddy...Whack-it?"

"What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. Youre not even going to believe it. Like, um, lets say youre driving along the road with your family. And youre driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden theres a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now lets see what happens when youre driving with the other guys brake pads. Youre driving along. Youre driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!, Not now, damn it!, truck tire, eeeee, I cant stop!. Help! Theres a cliff! Aah! And your familys screaming Oh my god, were burning alive! No! I cant feel my legs!. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, Oh, my god.. New guys in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesnt..."

"Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. Hell be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and hes never been laid. Exits, okay, theres one back here, and theres uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys dont know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, its gonna be a mountain."

"Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bulls ass, but Id rather take the butchers word for it."

"Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and Ive seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what Ive done to you!"

"Forget it, I quit, I cant do this anymore, man. My heads about to explode. My whole life sucks. I dont know what Im doing, I dont know where Im going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. Im out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!"

"Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."

"You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesnt pick up, cuz Ill come over there and jam an oar up your ass!"

"Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!"