Ambrose Bierce

Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

White, adj. and n. Black.

Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.

Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

Twice, adv. Once too often.

Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.

Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.