Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but …

Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it.

Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.

Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is …

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous …

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.

Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.

Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief.

Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.