Ambrose Bierce

Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.

Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.

Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.

Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: …

Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.

Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.