Harry Graham

"There's been an accident!" they said, "Your servant's cut in half; he's dead." "Indeed!" said Mr Jones, "and please Give me the half that's got my keys."

Uncle, whose inventive brains kept evolving aeroplanes, fell from an enormous height upon my garden lawn last night. Flying is a fatal sport, uncle wrecked the tennis court.

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said: 'George, I'm so unhappé! Our darling's now completely frappé!

That morning, when my wife eloped With James, our chauffeur, how I moped! What tragedies in life there are! I'm dashed if I can start the car.

O'er the rugged mountain's brow Clara threw the twins she nursed, And remarked, "I wonder now Which will reach the bottom first?"

Weep not for little Leonie, Abducted by a French Marquis! Though loss of honour was a wrench, Just think how it's improved her French.

When Grandmamma fell off the boat, And couldn’t swim, and wouldn’t float, Maria just sat by and smiled - I almost could have slapped the child!

Billy, in one of his nice new sashes, Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes; Now, although the room grows chilly, I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.

"Ich muss cherchez mon hôtel. What a charming Schwätzerei, sir! Lebe wohl! Adieu! Farewell! Vive le Congo! Hoch der Kaiser!"

"Guten Morgen, mon ami! Heute ist es schönes Wetter! Charmé de vous voir ici! Never saw you looking better!"

What hours I spent of precious time, What pints of ink I used to waste, Attempting to secure a rhyme To suit the public taste, Until I found a simple plan Which makes the lamest lyric scan!When I’ve a syllable de trop,