Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and com — Doug Stanhope

"I couldnt be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job."

"Ive been playing the CNN Drinking Game. Have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, Im a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!"

"You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it."

"Life is like animal porn. Its not for everyone."

"I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, dont you? Its sad. Ive lost more friends to A.A. than Liberace did to the virus. Its sad to see em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddys key ring, its like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse."

"Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked."