"So I think we need a new plan. Next time a country wants to take us on, stead of sending bombs, lets try this: send everyone in the country a color television and a satellite dish. And give em the basic package, not HBO — screw those people. And before the war starts, we make them all sit down. "Okay, well go to war with you. You want a piece of us, fine, fine. Before we go, I want you guys to understand us a little better, so you have to sit down and watch ESPN2 for 24 hours. Cause you watch ESPN2 for a full day, youre gonna understand America a lot better. Hi, were America! We build monster trucks for fun! We developed the top fuel dragster, zero to three hundred thirty miles an hour in under five seconds, cause, pfft, we were bored. Piss us off, heh, and see what we build! And we may feel bad about it later! Ask Japan. But before we feel bad…were gonna jack you up! And then were gonna send you FOOD! Cause were America; were schizophrenic. Dont mess with a nation that needs medication!"
Christopher Titus is an American comedian, podcaster, and actor. He was the star, executive producer, and co-creator of the eponymous Titus sitcom on FOX from 2000 to 2002. His life experience with a dysfunctional family is a common topic of his stand-up comedy.
"How come Mom is crazy and Im not? Well, its possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it wouldve meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. Its also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon."
"And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? Youve got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. Whats say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it."
"So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder weve invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means were the majority. Were normal! Its the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence — those people are the freaks, man!"
"[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house] When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. I went to the window and tore open the blinds, And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind! And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear, Shes bangin on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled just bout to here. And I knew the window couldnt take it. She screamed, "Open the door, you bastard, or Ill fucking break it!" Well, I couldnt let her do that; twas my fathers place. So I cracked the door, and she punched me in the face! So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top, And I screamed like a little girl…"IM CALLING THE COPS!"
"Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block. Weve all driven past it. A bunch of people living there, too old to be kids, but never gonna be adults... You can tell that by the "AEROSMITH ROCKS" banner in the living room window... Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times... The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours... You can tell when the familys doubled their net worth cause they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway... The mailmans afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops, cause hell, theyre gonna be there anyway... And if you dont recognize this house in your neighborhood, you live in this house in your neighborhood."
"[about his mother] Without her I dont exist. Without her, I wouldnt be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives."
"As long as you keep getting born, it’s okay to die sometimes."
"The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that theres free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate."
"History is a strange experience. The world is quite small now; but history is large and deep. Sometimes you can go much farther by sitting in your own home and reading a book of history, than by getting onto a ship or an airplane and traveling a thousand miles. When you go to Mexico City through space, you find it a sort of cross between modern Madrid and modern Chicago, with additions of its own; but if you go to Mexico City through history, back only 500 years, you will find it as distant as though it were on another planet: inhabited by cultivated barbarians, sensitive and cruel, highly organized and still in the Copper Age, a collection of startling, of unbelievable contrasts."
"As soon as a thought or word becomes a tool, one can dispense with actually ‘thinking’ it, that is, with going through the logical acts involved in verbal formulation of it. As has been pointed out, often and correctly, the advantage of mathematics—the model of all neo-positivistic thinking—lies in just this ‘intellectual economy.’ Complicated logical operations are carried out without actual performance of the intellectual acts upon which the mathematical and logical symbols are based. … Reason … becomes a fetish, a magic entity that is accepted rather than intellectually experienced."
"Our feminist culture at the present moment is completely dependent on capitalism. My grandmother was still scrubbing clothes on the back porch on a washboard!"
"A word of the faith that never balks, Here or henceforward it is all the same to me, I accept Time absolutely. It alone is without flaw, it alone rounds and completes all, That mystic baffling wonder alone completes all. (23)"