Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages Im unfamiliar with... — Steven Wright

"I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying."

"I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they werent included, so I had to buy them again."

"I bought some powdered water, but I dont know what to add."

"I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell Im really thinking about."

"When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything."

"They say youre not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... Theyre right."

"In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all."

"I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices."

"Sharon Tate was my best friend. Once, we were roommates. She introduced me to my husband. She was the godmother to my baby daughter who is named for her. In the six years time that I knew her, she never said an unkind word about anyone."

"Long time to see. (VS: Tapion)"

"Most mathematicians prove what they can, von Neumann proves what he wants." Once in a discussion about the rapid growth of mathematics in modern times, von Neumann was heard to remark that whereas thirty years ago a mathematician could grasp all of mathematics, that is impossible today. Someone asked him: "What percentage of all mathematics might a person aspire to understand today?" Von Neumann went into one of his five-second thinking trances, and said: "About 28 percent."

"Children must be free to think in all directions irrespective of the peculiar ideas of parents who often seal their childrens minds with preconceived prejudices and false concepts of past generations. Unless we are very careful, very careful indeed, and very conscientious, there is still great danger that our children may turn out to be the same kind of people we are."