[while snow-skiing with his family] — Bill Engvall

"Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch."

"Larrys grandmother has died at age 104"

"Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. Thats it."

"And we have a German shepherd we found on the side of the road; that dogs psycho, now I know why she was on the side of the road. Yeah, "nothings free." But I love that dog. That dog saved my hind end one night. My wife and I are about to go to bed, her wiener dogs jumping on the bed after I just talked to it. [Audience laughs] So just grabbed my wifes wiener dog and put her in the backyard. At about 2 in the morning, Im woken up by this loud squealing coming from my backyard. My God, I ran out of bed in my underwear, put on my headlight house shoes, go out to my backyard, and a coyote had jumped the fence. Yes, and had my wifes wiener dog pinned down on the ground. I was like, "Aw, hell...appreciate what youre doing, just do it a little more quieter, couldnt you?" About that time, I felt this "WOOSH" right by my leg. That German shepherd ran into the backyard, hit that coyote broadside, that coyote did three flips and jumped the fence. I turned to the German shepherd and I said, "Cmon, youre sleeping in the bed." And the funny thing was, for about a week after, my wife and I would be sitting at the table having breakfast, and there would be about 2-3 coyotes across the road looking at our backyard, and you know the conversation was going like this: "...What? Naw, hell no. Dont go in there, that little dogs a setup. I aint lying; ask Joe what happened to him!"

"Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, thats just sick in my book. But I didnt know about the snake, and it was our first date. Wed been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasnt real good at it, alright? "Im gonna slip into something a little more comfortable... okay?" and Im like, "Alright! Ill be waitin right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, youll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen... in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, thatll sober you up! Im backin out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he cant, cause Ill kill him... Okay?"

"Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner"

"yes is a pleasant country... love is a deeper season than reason"

"true lovers in each happening of their hearts live longer than all which and every who"

"What concerns me fundamentaly is a meteoric burlesk melodrama, born of the immemorial adage love will find a way."

"I am dominated by one thing, an irresistible, burning attraction towards the abstract. The expression of human feelings and the passions of man certainly interest me deeply, but I am less concerned with expressing the motions of the soul and mind than to render visible, so to speak, the inner flashes of intuition which have something divine in their apparent insignificance and reveal magic, even divine horizons, when they are transposed into the marvellous effects of pure plastic art."

"and liars kill their kind but her,my love creates love only our"

"The anxiety to be admired is a loveless passion ... , loud on the hustings, gay in the ball-room, mute and sullen at the family fireside."