Bill Engvall

"Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch."

"Larrys grandmother has died at age 104"

"Ive come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kids parent/teacher conference. Number one: "Youre only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

"And we have a German shepherd we found on the side of the road; that dogs psycho, now I know why she was on the side of the road. Yeah, "nothings free." But I love that dog. That dog saved my hind end one night. My wife and I are about to go to bed, her wiener dogs jumping on the bed after I just talked to it. [Audience laughs] So just grabbed my wifes wiener dog and put her in the backyard. At about 2 in the morning, Im woken up by this loud squealing coming from my backyard. My God, I ran out of bed in my underwear, put on my headlight house shoes, go out to my backyard, and a coyote had jumped the fence. Yes, and had my wifes wiener dog pinned down on the ground. I was like, "Aw, hell...appreciate what youre doing, just do it a little more quieter, couldnt you?" About that time, I felt this "WOOSH" right by my leg. That German shepherd ran into the backyard, hit that coyote broadside, that coyote did three flips and jumped the fence. I turned to the German shepherd and I said, "Cmon, youre sleeping in the bed." And the funny thing was, for about a week after, my wife and I would be sitting at the table having breakfast, and there would be about 2-3 coyotes across the road looking at our backyard, and you know the conversation was going like this: "...What? Naw, hell no. Dont go in there, that little dogs a setup. I aint lying; ask Joe what happened to him!"

"Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, thats just sick in my book. But I didnt know about the snake, and it was our first date. Wed been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasnt real good at it, alright? "Im gonna slip into something a little more comfortable... okay?" and Im like, "Alright! Ill be waitin right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, youll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen... in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, thatll sober you up! Im backin out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he cant, cause Ill kill him... Okay?"

"I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim...so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim! [Audience cheers] Yeah. GENIUS!...She hung up on me."

"Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. Thats it."

"I mightve tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didnt know it till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up..."—BAM! And what do you say, if youre the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– youre up."

"Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month-old baby and a 65-year-old man both act the same way. And Im a big fan. Oh, man, I love em! And I aint picky neither. I hate when I hear guys go "I dont like little boobs." I dont care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs. You could have boobs that look like nanners, I dont give a damn! Theyre the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You cant even break em! Oh, theyre amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to a member of the audience] Bud, lets say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. The little girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, youre like, "This day was GREAT!"

"(mimicking a fishs gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you ever eat a worm?" "Oh, one day, me and my buddy were laying on the bank... trying to catch our breath..." - thank you, for those of you who got that..."

"Shes online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. Cause first of all, Im off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and Im like "Whos got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize its my phone, Im already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, youve got to be nice." And I go, "No, maam. "Nice" stops at midnight!"

"Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner"