Ben Dirs

"Having seen the replay, I think Steve Bucknor was right. I like Bucknor, in fact, he might be my only friend."

"A well-deserved standing ovation from the Lords faithful and what can you say about any Collingwood innings? Nuggety, earthy, gritty. All hail Ross Kemp - give that man his own cop show on ITV."

"Id imagine Janowicz is a fine lover - a big, bear of a man but with the hands of a miniature portrait painter."

"Umpire Billy Bowden is decked by a Jones sweep! How marvellous...I mean what a choker...A sweetly-timed shot by the England batsman, which strikes Bowden on the hip, sending sunnies and walkie-talkie flying. Shame for Jones, that was going for four. Bowden will have secretly loved that, the old drama tart."

"I like Monty, Id like to sit with my arm round him on the sofa all night watching documentaries on BBC Four."

"Just two from the over, Anderson tighter than Andy Fordhams watch strap."

"Embarrassing cricket tales. When I was about 14, my school team played against a school called Langdon, somewhere or other in the wilds of East London. They batted first and racked up 180-3 off 20 overs. We got 13. My PE teacher called it the most humiliating day of his life. Years later, he got done for sex offences. I wonder what he thinks now."

"Theres Jamie Murray in the crowd - I assume thats his woman, otherwise her actual boyfriend might be extremely irate."

"Ive got a horrible feeling that if United do do the business tonight, Scholes wont be on the pitch in Athens. He may well be the best player England have produced for the last 15 years, but he has all the tackling ability of a granny on roller skates."

"Monty went beserk, like a toddler whos just been told he cant have a Happy Meal."

"Vaughan is lurking in the dressing room gloom like some mad woman spying into her next door neighbours garden."

"Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if hes just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife."