John Mulaney

"2029? Thats not a real year. By 2029, Ill be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas."

"I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week."

"How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didnt."

"You remember being 12, when youre like, "No one look at me or Ill kill myself."

"The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that were not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff."

"I know now that Im definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly."

"Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. Its insane. Yeah, well... All right, dont "whoo" if youre white. Its always been legal for us."

"Im gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I dont even have a joke for that, thats how much I hate that shit."

"You spend most of your day telling a robot that youre not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you dont want to walk into the ocean."

"Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, thatd be like doing stand-up comedy now."

"Now, I dont know if youve been following the news, but Ive been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time."

"I didnt mean to make it sound like we dont want children. We dont, but I didnt mean to make it sound like that."