Timequake

"Listen: We are here on Earth to fart around. Dont let anybody tell you any different!"

"Western Civilizations second unsuccessful attempt to commit suicide."

"You want to know why I don’t have AIDS, why Im not HIV-positive like so many other people? I don’t fuck around. It’s as simple as that."

"Those artsy-fartsy twerps next door create living, breathing, three-dimensional characters with ink on paper. … As though the planet weren’t already dying because it has three billion too many living, breathing, three-dimensional characters."

"Artists [...] are people who say "I cant fix my country or my state or my city, or even my marriage. But by golly, I can make this square of canvas, or this eight-and-a-half-by-eleven piece of paper, or this lump of clay, or these twelve bars of music, exactly what they ought to be!"

"I like to sleep. I published a new requiem for old music in another book, in which I said it was no bad thing to want sleep for everyone as an afterlife."

"Science never cheered up anyone. The truth about the human situation is just too awful."

"I will say, too, that lovemaking, if sincere, is one of the best ideas Satan put in the apple she gave to the serpent to give to Eve. The best idea in that apple, though, is making jazz."

"There is a planet in the solar system, where the people are so stupid they didnt catch on for a million years that there was another half to their planet. They didnt figure that out until five hundred years ago!"

"In real life, as in Grand Opera, arias only make hopeless situations worse."

"If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off."

"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have nerve enough to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts."