I hope when he dies, he does become a tree. I hope hes in the middle o — Dane Cook

"The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. Im like "Theres James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."

"So Im hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people youve known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that youve hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what Ive realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. Theres one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when shes not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, shes such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then youre like: "Hey whats up Karen? Kaaaaren, whats up Karen?" Theres always that one person and Im looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well youre the person...youre the person nobody likes."

"Next time youre at the airport, right, this is fun to do. Youre at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for their flight, okay. Theyre sitting there, reading the paper, whatever, just chilling out. This is what youre gonna do, just like this. Youre gonna walk over to them really slowly. Just walk over, alright, and stand right in from em. Dont say anything. Like, wait till they feel you there, know what I mean? When they finally look up at you, just really seriously look at them right in the eyes and go like this, "Dont get on the flight". You know theyre sitting there goin, "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight. Thank you, angel wearing jeans!"

"Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin 80?!"

"I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THATS A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"

"Who doesnt like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!"

"The environments do a good job of building atmosphere with eldritch light illuminating the mist that coils around the trees, flickering shadows making an innocent mulberry bush momentarily look like a round-shouldered murderer with an axe and a massive erection. Its just that the game is fully aware that it does dark spooky forests best but little else, so every half hour it has to contrive a new reason for Alan to be lost in a spooky forest at night. Its like a crime drama about a detective who can only concentrate when hes around pastry, so every week the crime has to conveniently take place in a bakery or within walking distance of a pie shop."

"No kind action ever stopped with itself. Fecundity belongs to it in its own right. One kind action leads to another. By one we commit ourselves to more than one. Our example is followed. The single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make fresh trees, and the rapidity of the growth is equal to its extent. But this fertility is not confined to ourselves, or to others who may be kind to the same person to whom we have been kind. It is chiefly to be found in the person himself whom we have benefited. This is the greatest work which kindness does to others,—that it makes them kind themselves."

"[recalling saving Lt. Dan; we see him carrying Dan away through the jungle.] [narrating] Then it felt like somethin just jumped up and bit me! [A muzzle flash is briefly visible from the trees as a gunshot rings out; Forrest is hit in the rear] OW! SOMETHING BIT ME!"

"Many people are under the illusion that before the meddling of humans, the populations of different types of plants and animals tended to be pretty much constant. This isn’t really the way things work, however, in a finite world. Instead, the populations of many species cycle up and down, depending on particular conditions such as the population of animals that prey on them, the availability of food, the prevalence of disease, and the weather conditions. Even forests exhibit surprising variability. Many undergo regular cycles of burning. In fact, some species of trees, such as the giant sequoias in Yosemite, require fire in order to reproduce. These cycles are simply part of the natural order of self-organizing ecosystems in a finite world."

"Us sing and dance, make faces and give flower bouquets, trying to be loved. You ever notice that trees do everything to get attention we do, except walk?"

"Its interesting, isnt it? There are many stories about trees giving curses (Tatari) in the Western part of Japan. Such folklore, or something that goes back to our distant memories, remains strongly in Japanese culture. People on Yakushima Island didnt cut the trees. They thought that cutting trees would bring about a curse. Trees are beings that make us feel that way. I learned it when I went to Yakushima. When they decided to cut and sell trees because they were too poor to eat, there was a monk who recommended cutting the trees. It was not the case that they started cutting tress because a certain person happened to be on the island and said so, but rather to do with the changes in the society itself."