I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour sai — Steven Wright

"In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobodys perfect," so then I stopped practicing."

"[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks."

"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didnt hear a thing."

"I bought some powdered water, but I dont know what to add."

"I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] Its a start..."

"I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they werent included, so I had to buy them again."

"yes is a pleasant country... love is a deeper season than reason"

"true lovers in each happening of their hearts live longer than all which and every who"

"What concerns me fundamentaly is a meteoric burlesk melodrama, born of the immemorial adage love will find a way."

"I am dominated by one thing, an irresistible, burning attraction towards the abstract. The expression of human feelings and the passions of man certainly interest me deeply, but I am less concerned with expressing the motions of the soul and mind than to render visible, so to speak, the inner flashes of intuition which have something divine in their apparent insignificance and reveal magic, even divine horizons, when they are transposed into the marvellous effects of pure plastic art."

"and liars kill their kind but her,my love creates love only our"

"The anxiety to be admired is a loveless passion ... , loud on the hustings, gay in the ball-room, mute and sullen at the family fireside."