Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anyth — Dave Chappelle

"You know how I know Im getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... Im not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old: I just gave up in the middle, like nothing even happened. Like, I dont like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. Its old, an old-looking dick. Its got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the 90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, "Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around, jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out."

"I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I dont know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside, with a note written on it that said "Gotcha." Oh, my god. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadnt seen a tape in, like, over a decade."

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark."

"Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "Im up for runnin up on them crackers in city hall."

"I was at a party. Some guy gave me some shit. Hes like, "Here, man. Take this. Its fucking mushrooms." I took it, I forgot all about it, you know. Then a couple days later I found that shit in my pocket. Im thinking, "why not?" Cuz Im thinking its like weed. Some background shit. I planned my whole day out like it was weed. "Ill chew this shit up, then Ill go to the barbershop, get my hair cut and then Ill see a movie." I chewed it up. So far, so good. Then I was in the barbershop, like an hour later. And its funny, cuz I was just thinking to myself, like, "Ooh, this stuff sucks. Tastes like athletes foot. I feel sick, but Im not really high." Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barbers reflection. Man, it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair."

"Is it me, or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? You dig? I dont even know what a fucking commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. You seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, shes crying, shes like, "I smoke crack. And my husband beats me." And then a voice came on and said, "Got milk?"

"[explaining to Ernie how April apologized to him] She just showed up at the factory, took off her coat, and begged me to take her. We made love in a way that Ive only ever seen in nature films."

"All men suppose what is called Wisdom to deal with the first causes and the principles of things; so that, as has been said before, the man of experience is thought to be wiser than the possessors of any sense-perception whatever, the artist wiser than the men of experience, the masterworker than the mechanic, and the theoretical kinds of knowledge to be more of the nature of Wisdom than the productive."

"The yarns of seamen have a direct simplicity, the whole meaning of which lies within the shell of a cracked nut. But Marlow was not typical (if his propensity to spin yarns be excepted), and to him the meaning of an episode was not inside like a kernel but outside, enveloping the tale which brought it out only as a glow brings out a haze, in the likeness of one of these misty halos that sometimes are made visible by the spectral illumination of moonshine."

"Going up that river was like traveling back to the earliest beginnings of the world, when vegetation rioted on the earth and the big trees were kings. An empty stream, a great silence, an impenetrable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, sluggish. There was no joy in the brilliance of sunshine. The long stretches of the waterway ran on, deserted, into the gloom of overshadowed distances."

"The intimate rapport with nature is one of the most precious things in life. Nature is indeed very close to us; sometimes closer than hands and feet, of which in truth she is but the extension. The emotional appeal of nature is tremendous, sometimes almost more than one can bear."

"Are people naturally destructive, immoral, predatory and self-seeking, only to be kept in order by harsh laws and fiercely deterrent mandatory sentences? Or are men and women naturally orderly, merciful, humane and bred with a need for justice and mutual aid? Of course these qualities, or defects, are not evenly distributed, and undoubtedly there is much of each in all of us, but when it comes to the law some sort of distinction can be drawn. Are you a Shylock or a Bassanio? Shylock pinned his faith on the words in the contract, the nature of his bond and the duty of the state to uphold the letter of the law regardless of human suffering. Bassanio put another point of view. More important than the sanctity of the law was the plight of the individual parties in the particular case."