Well put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds name, sure. As soon as we put — Daniel Tosh

"Im actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house..."

"Sometimes, when Im feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least Im not pregnant."

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, Im gonna be pissed."

"Im all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I dont want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now Im happy, or at least I look like it."

"Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. Its not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. Its how I know I still have one."

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Id be like, "Hey, so I guess Ill see you later," and hes like, "Whatever, queer."

"The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that theres free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate."

"With much care and skill power has been broken into fragments in the American township, so that the maximum possible number of people have some concern with public affairs."

"The people reign over the American political world as God rules over the universe. It is the cause and the end of all things; everything rises out of it and is absorbed back into it."

"I should say that when people talk about capitalism its a bit of a joke. Theres no such thing. No country, no business class, has ever been willing to subject itself to the free market, free market discipline. Free markets are for others. Like, the Third World is the Third World because they had free markets rammed down their throat. Meanwhile, the enlightened states, England, the United States, others, resorted to massive state intervention to protect private power, and still do. Thats right up to the present. I mean, the Reagan administration for example was the most protectionist in post-war American history. Virtually the entire dynamic economy in the United States is based crucially on state initiative and intervention: computers, the internet, telecommunication, automation, pharmaceutical, you just name it. Run through it, and you find massive ripoffs of the public, meaning, a system in which under one guise or another the public pays the costs and takes the risks, and profit is privatized. Thats very remote from a free market. Free market is like what India had to suffer for a couple hundred years, and most of the rest of the Third World."

"I appeal to all pupils, students and young people, asking you to focus on the horizons that are opening up for you, and which you could only dream of a year ago. Our future will depend on your desire for education and moral values as well as on your entrepreneurial spirit."

"We have created a wealthy society with tens of millions of talented, resourceful individuals who play virtually no role whatsoever as citizens. Bringing these people in — with their networks of influence, their knowledge, and their resources — is the key to creating the capacity for shared intelligence that we need to solve our problems."